Time to dance for myself again..
Lockdown has been a huge eye opener for me, along with many other people. It has given me alot of time to think about where I want to go next with my career, dancing and past dancing.
I started this degree almost knowing I had maybe 3-5 years left performing, maybe more. Knowing I could possibly slip straight into another job i want to do when the time came, unknowing to when that was. However I didn't think the time would come this soon.
After so much thought, tears and many sleepless nights. I have made the hardest decision ever, to hang up my dancing shoes, for now!! And focus on another one of my passions.
A few weeks ago, very last minute, I applied for a job as a teaching assistant in a special needs school that specialises in autism and helping children and young adults adapting to live an amazing life. I didn't think much would have come of it. I wasn't qualified, other than my dance teaching qualifications and many many hours of voluntary work I have done over the years, as this is a field of education I am truly passionate about. Little did I know I was then offered an interview which went really well, to being offered the job the next day!!!
This is when it truly sank in, what decision i had to make.
I have said before it wasn't easy. I had a little job in a circus in Spain lined up at the end of September, so I knew by the end of the year I would potentially be dancing again, if all was good, but this job offer really did put a spinner into the works.
I changed my mind daily on what I was going to do the following few weeks. Even telling people to stop asking me what I was going to do as thinking about it scared me so much. But finally a few days ago I made the decision and accepted the offer as a teaching assistant and retracted my contract with the circus, something I never dreamed I would do.
The next part isn't me explaining to whoever's reading why I did it. It's for me, so that if I ever doubt my decision I can look back at this and understand my thought process at the time.
1. Covid...
The big one, we didn't know if there is going to be another wave, if I was going to be stuck in a different country unable to get home then god forbid a member of my family falling sick and me not being able to be here for them. And for them to be constantly worring about me and my health.
2. Love/hate relationship with dance
Everyone I know/meet knows me as the dancer and how much I love it and I truly do with all my heart. But I'm also a true perfectionist. I stress myself out over the tiniest of things when it comes to dance, and on so so many occasions has made me hate dance at the same time as not being able to live without it.
3. Past contract
Iv had 3 amazing contracts with 2 incredible companies but I did have one which nearly broke me as a dancer. A mixture of the management and some of the girls out there to the conditions and the way we was treated did not sit right with me as well as not being in a good mental point at that time. The only time I got to escape was the 50min show performing in the evening and on that contract even though I was doing a job I loved the bad really did outweigh the good. And in all honestly I'm scared of this happening again and that I really will fall out of love with dancing because of it
4. Entertainment industry
Everyone in the Entertainment industry knows how fragile it is at the moment and we really dont know what's going to come of it. It could pick up in 3months time it could be a year but nobody knows. There so many amazing blog and pages about this as anybody in the creative industry could talk for days about it. (I'll link them to this blog if any none performers want to have a look to see what we are going though)
5. Job stability/thriving in a job
During lockdown iv been working in B&M nothing wrong with the job at all it pays the bills and does the job for that. But for me to thrive and be happy I need a job I'm learning everyday in and experiencing new things. This new job gives me that with the security of being employed permanently.
6. Lastly the big one. Career development.
I could use the next year the Entertainment industry is down and running low still working at B&M hoping to get a job and signing the first contract that comes my way. Or I could take some time out, train in dance and do a job which will develop my career past dance. And this is what I decided to do.
I chose to dance for me. To fall back in love with the whole idea of being a fulltime professional dancer. And focus on myself and making myself into a better person.
I have so many plans for me as a teaching assistant and a dancer this next year. From finishing my degree. Learning from teachers and students in both fields. To getting back into that studio again and training back up to be the dancer I want to be but always been too scared of being. Recoving from a past bad relationship with food because of dance and to be happy and healthy again.
So for now I'm hanging up my dancing shoes and letting them dry off but for sure they will be back on my feet. And meanwhile I'm training💃
Im so young still and I feel like this year I have out of full time performing will make me into a stronger, better dancer which I'm excited for.
https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2020/mar/27/coronavirus-lockdown-affects-arts-workers
https://medium.com/@c.nicholls23/how-perfectionism-in-dance-is-becoming-a-mental-health-crisis-4e795c761e3d
https://www.sanjaysaverimuttu.com/post/i-m-scared-of-going-back
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-53578188
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/jul/21/pandemic-
britain-arts-coronavirus-culture-bailout-unlikely-reach-diverse-working-class
https://bethanyruthdance.wordpress.com/2020/08/05/mental-health-in-dance-why-were-still-late-to-the-party/
I started this degree almost knowing I had maybe 3-5 years left performing, maybe more. Knowing I could possibly slip straight into another job i want to do when the time came, unknowing to when that was. However I didn't think the time would come this soon.
After so much thought, tears and many sleepless nights. I have made the hardest decision ever, to hang up my dancing shoes, for now!! And focus on another one of my passions.
A few weeks ago, very last minute, I applied for a job as a teaching assistant in a special needs school that specialises in autism and helping children and young adults adapting to live an amazing life. I didn't think much would have come of it. I wasn't qualified, other than my dance teaching qualifications and many many hours of voluntary work I have done over the years, as this is a field of education I am truly passionate about. Little did I know I was then offered an interview which went really well, to being offered the job the next day!!!
This is when it truly sank in, what decision i had to make.
I have said before it wasn't easy. I had a little job in a circus in Spain lined up at the end of September, so I knew by the end of the year I would potentially be dancing again, if all was good, but this job offer really did put a spinner into the works.
I changed my mind daily on what I was going to do the following few weeks. Even telling people to stop asking me what I was going to do as thinking about it scared me so much. But finally a few days ago I made the decision and accepted the offer as a teaching assistant and retracted my contract with the circus, something I never dreamed I would do.
The next part isn't me explaining to whoever's reading why I did it. It's for me, so that if I ever doubt my decision I can look back at this and understand my thought process at the time.
1. Covid...
The big one, we didn't know if there is going to be another wave, if I was going to be stuck in a different country unable to get home then god forbid a member of my family falling sick and me not being able to be here for them. And for them to be constantly worring about me and my health.
2. Love/hate relationship with dance
Everyone I know/meet knows me as the dancer and how much I love it and I truly do with all my heart. But I'm also a true perfectionist. I stress myself out over the tiniest of things when it comes to dance, and on so so many occasions has made me hate dance at the same time as not being able to live without it.
3. Past contract
Iv had 3 amazing contracts with 2 incredible companies but I did have one which nearly broke me as a dancer. A mixture of the management and some of the girls out there to the conditions and the way we was treated did not sit right with me as well as not being in a good mental point at that time. The only time I got to escape was the 50min show performing in the evening and on that contract even though I was doing a job I loved the bad really did outweigh the good. And in all honestly I'm scared of this happening again and that I really will fall out of love with dancing because of it
4. Entertainment industry
Everyone in the Entertainment industry knows how fragile it is at the moment and we really dont know what's going to come of it. It could pick up in 3months time it could be a year but nobody knows. There so many amazing blog and pages about this as anybody in the creative industry could talk for days about it. (I'll link them to this blog if any none performers want to have a look to see what we are going though)
5. Job stability/thriving in a job
During lockdown iv been working in B&M nothing wrong with the job at all it pays the bills and does the job for that. But for me to thrive and be happy I need a job I'm learning everyday in and experiencing new things. This new job gives me that with the security of being employed permanently.
6. Lastly the big one. Career development.
I could use the next year the Entertainment industry is down and running low still working at B&M hoping to get a job and signing the first contract that comes my way. Or I could take some time out, train in dance and do a job which will develop my career past dance. And this is what I decided to do.
I chose to dance for me. To fall back in love with the whole idea of being a fulltime professional dancer. And focus on myself and making myself into a better person.
I have so many plans for me as a teaching assistant and a dancer this next year. From finishing my degree. Learning from teachers and students in both fields. To getting back into that studio again and training back up to be the dancer I want to be but always been too scared of being. Recoving from a past bad relationship with food because of dance and to be happy and healthy again.
So for now I'm hanging up my dancing shoes and letting them dry off but for sure they will be back on my feet. And meanwhile I'm training💃
Im so young still and I feel like this year I have out of full time performing will make me into a stronger, better dancer which I'm excited for.
https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2020/mar/27/coronavirus-lockdown-affects-arts-workers
https://medium.com/@c.nicholls23/how-perfectionism-in-dance-is-becoming-a-mental-health-crisis-4e795c761e3d
https://www.sanjaysaverimuttu.com/post/i-m-scared-of-going-back
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-53578188
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/jul/21/pandemic-
britain-arts-coronavirus-culture-bailout-unlikely-reach-diverse-working-class
https://bethanyruthdance.wordpress.com/2020/08/05/mental-health-in-dance-why-were-still-late-to-the-party/
Hi Hannah, what a moving story. I had the pleasure of meeting you recently. I believe you will be an excellent teaching assistant. Wish you all the best and if ever you want any up to date photographs please contact me. Good luck in all you choose to do, inspire others but more importantly be inspired and believe in yoself. Best Wishes, Adrian x😊
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